THE AGRICULTURE SHOW

My wife and I went to the Orange County agricultural show and one of the first exhibits we stopped at was the breeding bulls.. We went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said,

' THIS BULL MATED 50 TIMES LAST YEAR ' 


My wife playfully nudged me in the ribs .....Smiled and said,

'He mated 50 times last year, that's almost once a week.'


We walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said,
''THIS BULL MATED 150 TIMES LAST YEAR'

My wife gave me a healthy jab and said,

'WOW~~That's more than twice! a week ! ..........

You could learn a lot from him.'


We walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said,
in capital letters,
'THIS BULL MATED 365 TIMES LAST YEAR'

My wife was so excited that her elbow nearly broke my ribs, and said,
'That's once a day ..You could REALLY learn something from this one.'

I looked at her and said,
'Go over and ask him if it was with the same cow.' 

AND THE FIGHT STARTED

Hilarious!!!!

My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.
I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'
'No,' she answered.
I then said, 'Is that your final answer?'

... She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And that's when the fight started...

________________________________

I took my wife to a restaurant.

The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.

"I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"
"Nah, she can order for herself."

And that's when the fight started.....

_____________________________

My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school
reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his
drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.

I asked her, "Do you know him?"
"Yes", she sighed,
"He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking
right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he
hasn't been sober since."

"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on
celebrating that long?"

And then the fight started...

________________________________

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed.
But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat,
making beer.. Always something more important to me.

Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.
When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing
scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into
the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again
I handed her a toothbrush.

I said, "When you finish cutting the
grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."

The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

_____________________________

My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, "What's on TV?"
I said, "Dust."

And then the fight started...

________________________________

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the
boat up to the van and proceeded to back out into a torrential
downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather
would be bad all day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back;
now with a different anticipation,
and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."

My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"

And that's how the fight started...

_______________________________

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds."

I bought her a bathroom scale.

And then the fight started......

______________________________

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply
for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me

for my driver's License to verify my age. I looked in my pockets

and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that

I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.
So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.

She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.

She said, 'You should have dropped
your pants. You might have gotten disability too.'

And then the fight started...

________________________________

My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.

She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,
"I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you
to pay me a compliment.'

I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."

And then the fight started........

________________________________

I rear-ended a car this morning...the start of a REALLY bad day!

The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!!
He looked up at me and said 'I am NOT Happy!'
So I said, 'Well, which one ARE you then?'

That's how the fight started.

________________________________

One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot
as a Christmas gift...

The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.
When she asked me why, I replied,
"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"

And that's how the fight started.

WIVES

AN EPIC!

THIS IS EPIC !!!!!

After a tiring day, a commuter settled down in her seat and closed her eyes.

 

As the train rolled out of the station, the guy sitting next to her pulled out his cell

phone and started talking in a loud voice: "Hi sweetheart, its Eric. I am on the train."

"Yes, I know it's the six thirty and not the four thirty, but I had a long meeting".

"No, honey, not with that blonde from the accounts office. It was with the boss".

"No sweetheart, you're the only one in my life". "Yes, I'm sure, cross my heart"

 

Fifteen minutes later, he was still talking loudly.

 

When the young woman sitting next to him had enough, she leaned over and said

into the phone..........................

"Eric, hang up the phone and come back to bed."

 

Eric doesn't use his cell phone in public any longer."

LIFE'S CHOICES

DIVORCE

TROUBLING SOFTWARE

 

Wife Girlfriend Software!

Dear Tech Support:


Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0. I soon noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. No mention of this was included with the product information. In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and now launches during system initialization, where it monitors all other system activity.


Applications such as Poker Night 10.3, Football 5.0, Fishing 7.5, and Motorcycling 5.0 no longer run, crashing the system whenever selected. I can’t seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run my favorite applications. I’m thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but the uninstall doesn’t work on Wife 1.0. Please help!!!!!!



THE REPLY:


Dear Troubled User:


This is due to a very common problem that generates many complaints. It is due to a primary misconception generally by male users. Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 thinking that it is merely a “Utilities and Entertainment program”. 

Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its creator to run everything! It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and return to Girlfriend 7.0. Hidden operating systems files cause Girlfriend 7.0 to emulate Wife 1.0, so nothing is gained. 

It is impossible to uninstall, delete, or purge the program files from the system once installed. You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed to disallow this. 

Some have tried Girlfriend 8.0 or Wife 2.0 but end up with more problems than in the original system. Look in your Wife 1.0 manual under  “Warnings - Alimony/Child Support.” I recommend that you keep Wife 1.0 and work on improving the situation. 

I suggest installing the background application C:\YES DEAR to alleviate software augmentation. Having installed Wife 1.0 myself, I also suggest that you read the entire section regarding “General Partnership Faults (GPFs).” You must assume all responsibility for any faults and problems that occur, regardless of their cause. You will also find that GPF’s are cyclical. The best course of action is to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE. Avoid excessive use of C:\YES DEAR because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the system will return too normal anyway. 

Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high maintenance. Wife 1.0 comes with several support programs, such as Clean and Sweep 3.0, Cook It 1.5 (which replaces Burn It 1.0), Trash 4.0, and Do Bills 4.2. 

You must, however, be very careful how you use these programs. Improper use will cause the system to launch the program NagNag 9.5. Once this happens, the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional software. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0 should this happen. 

 

WARNING!!!!! DO NOT, under any circumstances, install SecretaryShortSkirt 3.3. This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause irreversible damage to the operating system.

 

 

STRAY QUOTES

1. Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving.

  

  2. Having one child makes you a parent, having more you are a referee

  

  3. Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right and the other is the husband

  

  4. I believe we should all pay our tax with a smile. I tried, but they want cash

  

  5. A child's greatest period of growth is the month after you have purchased new school uniform

  

  6. You can't buy love, but you pay heavily for it

  

  7. Marriage is give and take. You would better give it to her or she will take it anyway.

  

  8. My wife and I always compromise. I admit I am wrong and she agrees with me.

  

  9. Saving is the best thing. Especially when your parents have done it for you.

10. They  call our language the mother tongue coz the father seldom gets to speak

11. Why do couples hold hands during their wedding?

      It's a formality just like two boxers shaking hands before the fight begins.

12. Wife : Darling, today is our anniversary, what should we do?

      Husband : Let us stand in silence for 2 minutes.

13. It's funny when people discuss Love Marriage v/s Arranged.

      It's like asking someone if suicide is better of being murdered.

14. There is only one perfect child in the world and every mother has it.

15.  There is only one perfect wife in the world and every  neighbour has her!

 

WHY COLUMBUS COULD DISCOVER AMERICA!!!!!

WIFE'S CHOICES

FIVE FUNNY FACTS OF LIFE

WHAT COUPLES SAY

HUSBANDS AND WIVES

This is the best and most civil way to have a fight between husband and wife instead of resorting to physical force... Poems written by WIFE and  HUSBAND. WIFE:  I wrote your name on sand it got washed. I wrote your name in air, it was blown away. Then I wrote your name on my heart & I got Heart Attack.  HUSBAND:  God saw me hungry, he created pizza. He saw me thirsty, he created Pepsi. He saw me in the dark, he created light. He saw me without problems, he created YOU.  WIFE:  Twinkle twinkle little star You should know what you are And once you know what you are Mental hospital is not so far  HUSBAND:  The rain makes all things beautiful. The grass and flowers too. If rain makes all things beautiful Why doesn't it rain on you?  WIFE:  Roses are red; Violets are blue Monkey like u should be kept in zoo. Don't feel so angry you will find me there too Not in cage but outside, laughing at you AND THE SAGA CONTINUES........ Position of a Husband Is just like a Split AC  No matter however Loud he is in the Outdoor He is designed to remain Silent indoor...   ..................................................................... "Husband is one who is the head of the family, but his wife is the neck, and whichever way she turns, he goes." ........................................................................ A man in Hell asked Devil: Can I make a call to my Wife? After making call he asked how much to pay. Devil : Nothing, Hell to hell is Free. ................................................................   Husband: Do you know the meaning of WIFE? It means,Without Information, Fighting Every time! Wife: No darling, it means - With Idiot For Ever   ...........................................................................   Wife: I wish I was a newspaper, So I'd be in your hands all day. Husband: I too wish that you were a newspaper, So I could have a new one every day. .................................................................   Doctor: Your husband needs rest and peace. Here are some sleeping Pills. Wife: When must I give them to him? Doctor: They are for you ...................................................................   Wife: I had to marry you to find out how stupid you are.. Husband: You should have known it the minute I asked you to marry me. ....................................................................   Wife: What will you give me if I climb the great Mount Everest ? Husband: A lovely Push...! and the life  goes on,,,,,,,,,,