THE AGRICULTURE SHOW

My wife and I went to the Orange County agricultural show and one of the first exhibits we stopped at was the breeding bulls.. We went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said,

' THIS BULL MATED 50 TIMES LAST YEAR ' 


My wife playfully nudged me in the ribs .....Smiled and said,

'He mated 50 times last year, that's almost once a week.'


We walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said,
''THIS BULL MATED 150 TIMES LAST YEAR'

My wife gave me a healthy jab and said,

'WOW~~That's more than twice! a week ! ..........

You could learn a lot from him.'


We walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said,
in capital letters,
'THIS BULL MATED 365 TIMES LAST YEAR'

My wife was so excited that her elbow nearly broke my ribs, and said,
'That's once a day ..You could REALLY learn something from this one.'

I looked at her and said,
'Go over and ask him if it was with the same cow.' 

AND THE FIGHT STARTED

Hilarious!!!!

My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.
I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'
'No,' she answered.
I then said, 'Is that your final answer?'

... She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And that's when the fight started...

________________________________

I took my wife to a restaurant.

The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.

"I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"
"Nah, she can order for herself."

And that's when the fight started.....

_____________________________

My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school
reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his
drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.

I asked her, "Do you know him?"
"Yes", she sighed,
"He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking
right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he
hasn't been sober since."

"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on
celebrating that long?"

And then the fight started...

________________________________

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed.
But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat,
making beer.. Always something more important to me.

Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.
When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing
scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into
the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again
I handed her a toothbrush.

I said, "When you finish cutting the
grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."

The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

_____________________________

My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, "What's on TV?"
I said, "Dust."

And then the fight started...

________________________________

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the
boat up to the van and proceeded to back out into a torrential
downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather
would be bad all day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back;
now with a different anticipation,
and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."

My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"

And that's how the fight started...

_______________________________

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds."

I bought her a bathroom scale.

And then the fight started......

______________________________

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply
for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me

for my driver's License to verify my age. I looked in my pockets

and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that

I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.
So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.

She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.

She said, 'You should have dropped
your pants. You might have gotten disability too.'

And then the fight started...

________________________________

My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.

She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,
"I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you
to pay me a compliment.'

I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."

And then the fight started........

________________________________

I rear-ended a car this morning...the start of a REALLY bad day!

The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!!
He looked up at me and said 'I am NOT Happy!'
So I said, 'Well, which one ARE you then?'

That's how the fight started.

________________________________

One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot
as a Christmas gift...

The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.
When she asked me why, I replied,
"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"

And that's how the fight started.

MEN AND WOMEN

GOD I'M ILL

ADAM AND EVE

DIVORCE

TROUBLING SOFTWARE

 

Wife Girlfriend Software!

Dear Tech Support:


Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0. I soon noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. No mention of this was included with the product information. In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and now launches during system initialization, where it monitors all other system activity.


Applications such as Poker Night 10.3, Football 5.0, Fishing 7.5, and Motorcycling 5.0 no longer run, crashing the system whenever selected. I can’t seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run my favorite applications. I’m thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but the uninstall doesn’t work on Wife 1.0. Please help!!!!!!



THE REPLY:


Dear Troubled User:


This is due to a very common problem that generates many complaints. It is due to a primary misconception generally by male users. Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 thinking that it is merely a “Utilities and Entertainment program”. 

Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its creator to run everything! It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and return to Girlfriend 7.0. Hidden operating systems files cause Girlfriend 7.0 to emulate Wife 1.0, so nothing is gained. 

It is impossible to uninstall, delete, or purge the program files from the system once installed. You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed to disallow this. 

Some have tried Girlfriend 8.0 or Wife 2.0 but end up with more problems than in the original system. Look in your Wife 1.0 manual under  “Warnings - Alimony/Child Support.” I recommend that you keep Wife 1.0 and work on improving the situation. 

I suggest installing the background application C:\YES DEAR to alleviate software augmentation. Having installed Wife 1.0 myself, I also suggest that you read the entire section regarding “General Partnership Faults (GPFs).” You must assume all responsibility for any faults and problems that occur, regardless of their cause. You will also find that GPF’s are cyclical. The best course of action is to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE. Avoid excessive use of C:\YES DEAR because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the system will return too normal anyway. 

Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high maintenance. Wife 1.0 comes with several support programs, such as Clean and Sweep 3.0, Cook It 1.5 (which replaces Burn It 1.0), Trash 4.0, and Do Bills 4.2. 

You must, however, be very careful how you use these programs. Improper use will cause the system to launch the program NagNag 9.5. Once this happens, the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional software. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0 should this happen. 

 

WARNING!!!!! DO NOT, under any circumstances, install SecretaryShortSkirt 3.3. This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause irreversible damage to the operating system.

 

 

NEW SEAT BELTS

PUNCTUALITY

AUNTY'S ACID