IMPORTANCE OF INNERWEAR

THE AGRICULTURE SHOW

My wife and I went to the Orange County agricultural show and one of the first exhibits we stopped at was the breeding bulls.. We went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said,

' THIS BULL MATED 50 TIMES LAST YEAR ' 


My wife playfully nudged me in the ribs .....Smiled and said,

'He mated 50 times last year, that's almost once a week.'


We walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said,
''THIS BULL MATED 150 TIMES LAST YEAR'

My wife gave me a healthy jab and said,

'WOW~~That's more than twice! a week ! ..........

You could learn a lot from him.'


We walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said,
in capital letters,
'THIS BULL MATED 365 TIMES LAST YEAR'

My wife was so excited that her elbow nearly broke my ribs, and said,
'That's once a day ..You could REALLY learn something from this one.'

I looked at her and said,
'Go over and ask him if it was with the same cow.' 

THE PROBLEMS OF ENGLISH

Stuff Hyderabadi Moms Say 6 : with English subtitiles

HOW OUR PARENTS ARE TORTURED

AND THE FIGHT STARTED

Hilarious!!!!

My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.
I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'
'No,' she answered.
I then said, 'Is that your final answer?'

... She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And that's when the fight started...

________________________________

I took my wife to a restaurant.

The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.

"I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"
"Nah, she can order for herself."

And that's when the fight started.....

_____________________________

My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school
reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his
drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.

I asked her, "Do you know him?"
"Yes", she sighed,
"He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking
right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he
hasn't been sober since."

"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on
celebrating that long?"

And then the fight started...

________________________________

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed.
But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat,
making beer.. Always something more important to me.

Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.
When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing
scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into
the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again
I handed her a toothbrush.

I said, "When you finish cutting the
grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."

The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

_____________________________

My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, "What's on TV?"
I said, "Dust."

And then the fight started...

________________________________

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the
boat up to the van and proceeded to back out into a torrential
downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather
would be bad all day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back;
now with a different anticipation,
and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."

My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"

And that's how the fight started...

_______________________________

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds."

I bought her a bathroom scale.

And then the fight started......

______________________________

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply
for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me

for my driver's License to verify my age. I looked in my pockets

and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that

I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.
So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.

She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.

She said, 'You should have dropped
your pants. You might have gotten disability too.'

And then the fight started...

________________________________

My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.

She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,
"I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you
to pay me a compliment.'

I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."

And then the fight started........

________________________________

I rear-ended a car this morning...the start of a REALLY bad day!

The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!!
He looked up at me and said 'I am NOT Happy!'
So I said, 'Well, which one ARE you then?'

That's how the fight started.

________________________________

One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot
as a Christmas gift...

The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.
When she asked me why, I replied,
"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"

And that's how the fight started.

IN THE COURTROOM

If you need a laugh or three.

TOO FUNNY NOT TO PASS ON!!
How Do Court Reporters Keep Straight Faces?

These are from a book called Disorder in the Courts and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while the exchanges were taking place.

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
_______________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
_________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget..
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's 20, much like your IQ.
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children , right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death..
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral...
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?

______________________________________
And last:

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No..
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

Stuff Hyderabadi Moms Say 8: with English subtitles

SOME EQUATIONS

Some Equations to ponder over:

Equation1

Human = eat + sleep + work + enjoy
Donkey = eat + sleep + work
Therefore:
Human = Donkey + enjoy
Therefore:
Human-enjoy = Donkey
In other words,
A Human that doesn't know how to enjoy = Donkey that works.

Equation 2

Man = eat + sleep + earn money
Donkey = eat + sleep
Therefore:
Man = Donkey + earn money
Therefore:
Man-earn money = Donkey
 In other words
Man who doesn't earn money = Donkey
Woman= eat + sleep + spend
Donkey = eat + sleep
Therefore:
Woman = Donkey + spend
Woman - spend = Donkey
 In other words,
Woman who doesn't spend = Donkey
To Conclude:
From Equation 2 and Equation 3
Man who doesn't earn money = Woman who doesn't spend
So Man earns money not to let woman become a donkey!
And a woman spends not to let the man become a donkey!
So, We have:
Man + Woman = Donkey + earn money + Donkey + Spend money
Therefore
from postulates 1 and 2, we can conclude
Man + Woman = 2 Donkeys that live happily together!

 

Well else did you think?

ANY TAKERS!!!!

FREE FREE FREE!!!

OUR FUTURE

WHAT IF IPL IS NATIONALISED?

 What will happen when the IPL is nationalised?

 

22 things that will happen when the IPL is nationalised:1. The new Commissioner of the IPL, replacing Lalit Modi, will be an IAS officer, 1989 batch, transferred from the Food Corporation of India

2. Mayawati will demand, however, that the new Chairman should be her own candidate,Mr Dalit Modi.

3. The name of Mumbai Indians will immediately be changed to Mumbai Manus. It will, naturally, field only Maharashtrians . All other players will have their legs broken. Zaheer Khan will have his house burned down. So will Irfan Pathan, Yusuf Pathan and Mohd Kaif.

4. The Chennai Super Kings team will renamed Dravida Cricket Kazhagam. Subsequently one faction will break away and the team will split into DCK (DMK) and AIADCK, owing allegience to Karunanidhi and Jayalalitha respectively

5. Each political party will have its own team: BJP Bandits, Congress Cobras, CPI  Cadres, Samajwadi Strikers,CPM Challengers, Trinamul Tigers etc

6. Auction of players will be replaced by teams calling for tenders for players.The lowest priced players will be picked.

7. Cheerleaders will be replaced by honourable ministers who will give speeches during breaks in the match

8. Sonia Gandhi will insist that 30% of each team should be reserved for be women

9. Mayawati will demand that SC/ST players will need to run for only 18 yards instead of 22 yards between the wickets

10. Third Umpire requests will have to be filled in triplicate and duly notarized

11. All Third Umpire decisions will be referred to a Joint Parlimentary Commission.

12. IPL tickets will henceforth be available at all post offices and BSNL centers from 10 a.m. to 12.45 p.m. The facility to purchase tickets on your cell-phone will immediately be withdrawn

13. Replacing an injured foreign player can be done only through a Tatkal application submitted 48 hours after a Govt doctor examines him

14. Cheerleaders will be replaced by retired Air-India flight attendants.

15. These new cheerleaders will perform the folk dances of the states they represent during breaks

16. IPL matches will be shown only on Doordarshan. They will be telecast the day immediately following the match, from 4 a.m. to 7.30 a.m. and subsequently from 3.30 a.m. to 7p.m, subject to satellite link-up availability

17. Between each  innings break Doordarshan will telecast the news in Hindi, followed by news for the hearing impaired.

18. Agricultural shots can be played only during the phase of the game termed "Krishi Darshan"

19. There will be no matches on weekends or on national/regional holidays

20. The three stumps will be painted saffron, white and green.

21. Bowlers will have to bowl sarpatti and ghasssarkundi balls to the reserved players.

22. Pakistan will immediately announce its intention to start its own version of the tournament called PPL and Mr Nawaz Sharif will make a visit to Washington to meet President Obama and seek an additional grant of $1 billion to fund it

AMAZING INNOVATIONS

https://mail.google.com/mail/u/0/?ui=2&ik=a7c027a5f6&view=att&th=13f60ff9a420e04b&attid=0.16&disp=emb&zw&atsh=1

BENGALI VS SARDARS

INGENEOUS WAYS OF INDIANS- QUEUING UP

A VERY GOOD ADVICE

THE IDEAL PROFESSION

PUNOGRAPHY

SOME DEFINITIONS

POLITICIAN:
One who
shakes your hand
before elections
and your confidence later!

DOCTOR:
A person
who kills
your ills
by pills,
and kills you
by his bills!

LECTURE:
An art of transmitting Information
from the notes of the lecturer
to the notes of students
without passing through the minds
of either!

OFFICE:
A place
where you can relax
after your strenuous
home life!

BOSS:
Someone
who is early
when you are late
and late
when you are early!

EXPERIENCE:
The name
men give
to their
Mistakes!

DIPLOMAT:
A person
who tells you
to go to hell
in such a way
that you actually look forward
to the trip!

CONFERENCE:
The confusion of one man
multiplied by the
number present!

COMPROMISE:
The art of dividing
a cake in such a way that
everybody believes
he got the biggest piece!

CONFERENCE ROOM:
A place where everybody talks,
nobody listens
and everybody disagrees later on!

CLASSIC:
A book
which people praise,
but never read!

TEARS:
The hydraulic force by which
masculine will power is
defeated by feminine water-power!

SMILE:
A curve
that can set
a lot of things straight! :)

THE LAST SUPPER

Stuff Hyderabadi Moms Say 7 : with English subtitles

WITNESS TO CHILDBIRTH

WITNESS TO CHILD BIRTH

Should children witness childbirth?

Here's your answer.

Due to a power outage, only one paramedic responded to the call.

The house was very dark so the paramedic asked Kathleen, a 3-yr old girl to hold a flashlight high over her mommy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby...

Very diligently, Kathleen did as she was asked. Heidi pushed and pushed and after a little while, Connor was born.

The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his bottom.

Connor began to cry. The paramedic then thanked Kathleen for her help and asked the wide-eyed 3-yr old what she thought about what she had just witnessed....

Kathleen quickly responded, 'He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place... smack his ass again!'
If you don't laugh at this one, there's no hope for you!!!

SPIDERMAN HAS GOT MARRIED!

HYDERABADI IN AMERICA

Pure Hyderabadi problem…………………… enjoy it

Wah re America –

Na Idhar ke Rahe …
Na Udhar ke Rahe...
Beech adhar atke rahe…

Na Hyderabad ku bhula sake
Na Amrica ku apna sake
Hyderabadi-Amrican ban’ke kaam chalate rahe
Na Urdu ku chod sake
Na Angrezi ku pakad sake
Desi accent mein goron ku confuse karte chale

Na Turkey ku paka sake
Na gravy bana sake
Murgi ku dam de ke thanksgiving manate chale

Na Christmas tree laga sake
Na bacchon ku samjha sake
Eid par Santa banke tohfe bat-te chale

Na shorts pahen sake
Na shalwar chod sake
Jeans pe kurta aur sneakers chadake itraate chale

Na, Nashte mein donut kha sake
Na khichdi khatta bhula sake
Pizza par mirchi chidakkar maza lete rahe

Na garmiyon ku bhula sake
Na baraf ku apna sake
Khidke se suraj ku dekhke ‘beautiful day’ kahte rahe

Ab ayi baari Hyderabad ku jane ki……toh..
Haath mein paani ka sheesha lekar chale

Lekin wahan par...

Na gupchup kha sake
Na lassi pee sake
Peth ke darad se tadapte rahe…
Gullathi kha ke kaam chalate rahe..

Na macchar se bhaag sake
Na khujli ku rok sake
Cream se dadodon ku chupate chale

Na fakiron se bach sake
Na dollar ku chupa sake
Naukaron se bi peecha chuda kar bhaagte rahe…

Na khuddi par baith sake
Na Kamot ku bhool sake
Bas beech adhar jhukke kaam chalate rahe….

Na idhar ke rahe…
Na udhar ke rahe…
Kambaqt, kahin ke Na rahe

Bas ‘ABCD’ aulaad ko aur confuse banate chale…

THE PASTOR'S DONKEY

The Pastor's Ass The Pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won. The Pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again and it won again. The local paper read: PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT. The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the Pastor not to enter the donkey in another race. The next day the local paper headline read:  BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR’S ASS. This was too much for the Bishop so he ordered the Pastor to get rid of the donkey. The Pastor decided to give it to a Nun in a nearby convent. The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day: NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN. The Bishop fainted. He informed the Nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey so she sold it to a farmer for $10.  The next day the paper read: NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10. This was too much for the Bishop so he ordered the Nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild. The next day the headlines read:  NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE. The Bishop was buried the next day. The moral of the story is . . . being concerned about public opinion can bring you much grief and misery . . even shorten your life. So be yourself and enjoy life. Stop worrying about everyone else's ass and you'll be a lot happier and live longer!

WIVES

THE APATHY OF MODERN WOMEN