IMPORTANCE OF INNERWEAR

THE AGRICULTURE SHOW

My wife and I went to the Orange County agricultural show and one of the first exhibits we stopped at was the breeding bulls.. We went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said,

' THIS BULL MATED 50 TIMES LAST YEAR ' 


My wife playfully nudged me in the ribs .....Smiled and said,

'He mated 50 times last year, that's almost once a week.'


We walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said,
''THIS BULL MATED 150 TIMES LAST YEAR'

My wife gave me a healthy jab and said,

'WOW~~That's more than twice! a week ! ..........

You could learn a lot from him.'


We walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said,
in capital letters,
'THIS BULL MATED 365 TIMES LAST YEAR'

My wife was so excited that her elbow nearly broke my ribs, and said,
'That's once a day ..You could REALLY learn something from this one.'

I looked at her and said,
'Go over and ask him if it was with the same cow.' 

SOME DEFINITIONS

POLITICIAN:
One who
shakes your hand
before elections
and your confidence later!

DOCTOR:
A person
who kills
your ills
by pills,
and kills you
by his bills!

LECTURE:
An art of transmitting Information
from the notes of the lecturer
to the notes of students
without passing through the minds
of either!

OFFICE:
A place
where you can relax
after your strenuous
home life!

BOSS:
Someone
who is early
when you are late
and late
when you are early!

EXPERIENCE:
The name
men give
to their
Mistakes!

DIPLOMAT:
A person
who tells you
to go to hell
in such a way
that you actually look forward
to the trip!

CONFERENCE:
The confusion of one man
multiplied by the
number present!

COMPROMISE:
The art of dividing
a cake in such a way that
everybody believes
he got the biggest piece!

CONFERENCE ROOM:
A place where everybody talks,
nobody listens
and everybody disagrees later on!

CLASSIC:
A book
which people praise,
but never read!

TEARS:
The hydraulic force by which
masculine will power is
defeated by feminine water-power!

SMILE:
A curve
that can set
a lot of things straight! :)

AN EPIC!

THIS IS EPIC !!!!!

After a tiring day, a commuter settled down in her seat and closed her eyes.

 

As the train rolled out of the station, the guy sitting next to her pulled out his cell

phone and started talking in a loud voice: "Hi sweetheart, its Eric. I am on the train."

"Yes, I know it's the six thirty and not the four thirty, but I had a long meeting".

"No, honey, not with that blonde from the accounts office. It was with the boss".

"No sweetheart, you're the only one in my life". "Yes, I'm sure, cross my heart"

 

Fifteen minutes later, he was still talking loudly.

 

When the young woman sitting next to him had enough, she leaned over and said

into the phone..........................

"Eric, hang up the phone and come back to bed."

 

Eric doesn't use his cell phone in public any longer."

MEN AND WOMEN

LIFTS

An Amish mother and her family had to travel into the city and while there, her 15 year old son and her husband wandered into the local shopping mall.....

 

The boy and his father were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.

The boy asked, 'What is this Father?' The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, 'Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life; I don't know what it is.'

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially.....

 

They continued to watch until it reached the last number.... and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order......
Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blond stepped out.........

 

The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son.....'Go get your Mother.'

 

__._,_.___

 

TROUBLING SOFTWARE

 

Wife Girlfriend Software!

Dear Tech Support:


Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0. I soon noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. No mention of this was included with the product information. In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and now launches during system initialization, where it monitors all other system activity.


Applications such as Poker Night 10.3, Football 5.0, Fishing 7.5, and Motorcycling 5.0 no longer run, crashing the system whenever selected. I can’t seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run my favorite applications. I’m thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but the uninstall doesn’t work on Wife 1.0. Please help!!!!!!



THE REPLY:


Dear Troubled User:


This is due to a very common problem that generates many complaints. It is due to a primary misconception generally by male users. Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 thinking that it is merely a “Utilities and Entertainment program”. 

Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its creator to run everything! It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and return to Girlfriend 7.0. Hidden operating systems files cause Girlfriend 7.0 to emulate Wife 1.0, so nothing is gained. 

It is impossible to uninstall, delete, or purge the program files from the system once installed. You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed to disallow this. 

Some have tried Girlfriend 8.0 or Wife 2.0 but end up with more problems than in the original system. Look in your Wife 1.0 manual under  “Warnings - Alimony/Child Support.” I recommend that you keep Wife 1.0 and work on improving the situation. 

I suggest installing the background application C:\YES DEAR to alleviate software augmentation. Having installed Wife 1.0 myself, I also suggest that you read the entire section regarding “General Partnership Faults (GPFs).” You must assume all responsibility for any faults and problems that occur, regardless of their cause. You will also find that GPF’s are cyclical. The best course of action is to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE. Avoid excessive use of C:\YES DEAR because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the system will return too normal anyway. 

Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high maintenance. Wife 1.0 comes with several support programs, such as Clean and Sweep 3.0, Cook It 1.5 (which replaces Burn It 1.0), Trash 4.0, and Do Bills 4.2. 

You must, however, be very careful how you use these programs. Improper use will cause the system to launch the program NagNag 9.5. Once this happens, the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional software. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0 should this happen. 

 

WARNING!!!!! DO NOT, under any circumstances, install SecretaryShortSkirt 3.3. This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause irreversible damage to the operating system.

 

 

STRAY QUOTES

1. Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving.

  

  2. Having one child makes you a parent, having more you are a referee

  

  3. Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right and the other is the husband

  

  4. I believe we should all pay our tax with a smile. I tried, but they want cash

  

  5. A child's greatest period of growth is the month after you have purchased new school uniform

  

  6. You can't buy love, but you pay heavily for it

  

  7. Marriage is give and take. You would better give it to her or she will take it anyway.

  

  8. My wife and I always compromise. I admit I am wrong and she agrees with me.

  

  9. Saving is the best thing. Especially when your parents have done it for you.

10. They  call our language the mother tongue coz the father seldom gets to speak

11. Why do couples hold hands during their wedding?

      It's a formality just like two boxers shaking hands before the fight begins.

12. Wife : Darling, today is our anniversary, what should we do?

      Husband : Let us stand in silence for 2 minutes.

13. It's funny when people discuss Love Marriage v/s Arranged.

      It's like asking someone if suicide is better of being murdered.

14. There is only one perfect child in the world and every mother has it.

15.  There is only one perfect wife in the world and every  neighbour has her!

 

NEW SEAT BELTS

WHAT MEN SAY1

~ What Men Really Mean

1."I'm going fishing" -
Means.. "I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety"

2. "It's a guy thing" -
Means.. "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical".

3. "Can I help with dinner?" -
Means.. "Why isn't dinner already on the table?"

4. "Uh huh", "Sure honey," or "Yes dear" -
Means.. Absolutely nothing; it is a conditioned response.

5. "It would take too long to explain" -
Means.. "I have no idea how it works".

6. "We're going to be late" -
Means.. "Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac".

7. "I was listening to you. It's just that I have things on my mind"
Means.. "I was wondering if that redhead over there is wearing a bra".

8. "Take a break honey, you're working too hard" -
Means.. "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner".

9. "That's interesting dear" -
Means.. "Are you still talking?"

10."It's a really good movie" -
Means.. "It's got guns, knives, fast cars, and beautiful women".

11."That's women's work" -
Means.. "It's difficult, dirty, and thankless".

12."You know how bad my memory is" -
Means.. "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address of the first girl I ever kissed, and the vehicle identification numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday or our anniversary."

13."I was just thinking about you, and got you these roses" -
Means.. "The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe".

14."Oh, don't fuss. I just cut myself, it's no big deal" -
Means.. "I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit I'm hurt".

15."Hey, I've got my reasons for what I'm doing" -
Means.. "And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon".

16."I can't find it" -
Means.. "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless ".

17."What did I do this time?" -
Means.. "What did you catch me at?"

18."You know I could never love anyone else" -
Means.. "I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse".

19."I'm not lost. I know exactly where we are" -
Means.. "No one will ever see us alive again". 

AUNTY'S ACID

AT THE ATM

A new sign in the Bank Lobby reads:
 
'Please note that this Bank is installing new 'Drive-through' ATM machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles.
 
Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts.
 
After months of careful research, MALE & FEMALE Procedures have been developed. Please follow the appropriate steps for your gender.'
 
 
*******************************
 
MALE PROCEDURE:
 
 
1. Drive up to the cash machine.
 
2. Put down your car window.
 
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
 
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
 
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
 
6. Put window up.
 
7. Drive off.
 
 
*******************************
 
FEMALE PROCEDURE:
 
 
Unfortunately, most of this part is the TRUTH!!!!
 
 
1. Drive up to cash machine.
 
2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.
 
3.  Set parking brake, put the window down.
 
4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
 
5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up.
 
6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
 
7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.
 
8. Insert card.
 
9. Re-insert card the right way.
 
10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.
 
11. Enter PIN.
 
12. Press CANCEL and re-enter correct PIN.
 
13. Enter amount of cash required.
 
14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
 
15. Retrieve cash and receipt.
 
16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
 
17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of checkbook.
 
18. Re-check makeup.
 
19. Drive forward 2 feet.
 
20. Reverse back to cash machine.
 
21. Retrieve card.
 
22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided!
 
23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.
 
24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
 
25. Redial person on cell phone.
 
26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
 
27. Release Parking Brake.
 
 

DOWRY

MEN AND WOMEN

Can’t argue with this logic

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